I am the KING of smutty writing. Forget Shakespeare, for I am Shakesmut! At this point of time I sense that you may have the feeling that I am not serious about this job, that I am merely having a laugh at your expense. This however, is far from the truth.
Smutty writing is my passion. It is the blood that flows through my veins. If you hire me, I can guarantee you that the smut you receive will out-smut the rest of tumblr; for I do not make promises that I cannot keep. It is also integral to bear in mind that my smut shan't be repulsive. It shall be warm and embracing, smooth in it's seductive callousness, irresistibly attractive to men and women alike.
So in conclusion, and with all seriousness, I implore you to hire me for this job. Not solely for the monetary gains, but also because I feel in your offer, my life's calling. Since the fateful day that I discovered the virtual world of smut at the age of 11 whist browsing on my brother's laptop, I have forever felt a desire to contribute to this storehouse of knowledge: and that is what I offer you. My contribution.